Sleepless Nights

It’s quiet in the house. The only ones awake, are me and my brand-new bundle of joy. I smell his little head and soak in the sweet scent of his shampoo from the bath just before bedtime. When was that? Six hours ago. Have I fallen asleep yet? I don’t think I have. I try laying him in the basinet again and think I might have successfully transferred my tiny ticking time bomb. Then I go down to recheck the door is locked for the third time. I finally lay my head on the pillow and don’t move a muscle. My husbands alarm will be going off in an hour and he just got to sleep. He needs to function at work in the morning, he’s doing a twelve- hour shift. I picture him crashing on the way to work and cry about the ridiculous made-up scenario. Just when I let my guard down and close my eyes, I hear the cry. In my sleep deprived delirium, I pick up my newborn, waking him as it wasn’t his cries I heard. It was my eighteen-month-old down the hall. I’m shushing the wrong baby and now both are awake. I don’t want my husband to fall asleep driving so I quickly sneak my little one out of the room and head to his sister. With a football hold on my baby in my left arm, I use my right to scoop my girl out of her crib and set up my perch in the rocking chair. This is where I’ll watch the sunrise again, with a child on each side. I can’t drop the baby out of the chair. I can’t let my little girl waddle away onto the stairs. My eyes are heavy...SNAP OUT OF IT, WAKE UP. I spend the wee hours of the morning planning our escape route if the house catches fire, snuggling my babies in the rocking chair. So happy, so tired, so scared.

Sleep deprivation is a common challenge for new parents, especially in the postpartum period. The lack of sleep during this time can significantly affect a mother’s physical and mental health. I am not one to fear monger. I will never say the phrase “just wait until” and try to one up a complaint. It isn’t helpful and invalidates the struggle that person is confiding in you about. When a pregnant lady mentions her fatigue, that is NOT the time to bring up the tiring newborn phase. I also don’t think you should stress over the possibility of postpartum anxiety. But if I’m going to have a blog that validates the feelings of those who struggle in aspects of parenting, I can’t skip over the fact that my child just really did not sleep, and that the hours I spent staring at the moon with him in my arms, were also spent fighting crippling anxieties about scenarios even Stephen King couldn’t think up.

I had a unicorn baby on the first round. By the time she was three months old we rarely saw her awake after dark. The baby stage seemed like a breeze, and I couldn’t relate to those who found it difficult. Protective and nervous, yes. But not much sleep was lost with nighttime feeds or fears. Maybe that’s why we jumped into round two just after she started crawling. She tricked us!

A rare sight of four eyes closed at the same time

That perfect little sleeper decided to switch things up when we brought her home a little brother. He followed suit. Nobody in our house was getting two consecutive hours of sleep, and this went on for many months. While cooking supper one day I found the cereal box in the fridge and quickly ran to the pantry to find the now warm and soiled milk. Well, at least I got a chance to eat that day. I was a zombie. Sprinkle a postpartum hormone drop on top of that, and I really felt like I was beginning to go insane. If we didn’t have helpful family a phone call away I don’t know how we would have gotten through it. I remember being back-to-back with my husband, us with a child each, rocking back and forth on our bed to get them to fall back to sleep while holding each other up. I have a great teammate in this parenting journey. He was beside me through every challenge, but the one thing he couldn’t help me with were the totally abnormal thoughts inside my head. The quiet of the night can make anxieties feel louder. I assured myself that it was the lack of sleep that was causing me these thoughts as sleep deprivation can increase cortisol levels (the stress hormone), which can contribute to heightened feelings of anxiety and stress. Yes, I also spent a lot of the night googling. Don’t do that. After a while when my baby would manage a two hour stretch and I had a chance for a cat nap it was the nervous thoughts that kept me awake. So, what was causing what? Was I loosing sleep from stress, or was I stressed from loosing sleep?

Let’s get down to the facts shall we,

Sleep is not just a luxury—it’s essential for postpartum recovery:

During sleep, the body repairs tissues, balances hormones, and supports immune function, all of which are vital for healing. A child has exited your body. As natural as that is, it wreaks havoc on your body and mind. Adequate sleep also improves mood and cognitive function. Sleep deprivation is an actual torture tactic for a reason. It leads to cognitive decline, such as forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating. This makes it hard to focus, solve problems, and stay organized, which in turn causes anxiety and stress, especially when you are learning to be a mother. This is the very time you need to be on your game. A tiny human is relying on you for survival.

Enough was enough. The continuous nights, laying awake nursing a baby were no longer just tiring, they were terrifying. Putting snowsuits for my children in my bedroom in case we had to flee our home in a natural disaster was clearly not a normal thing to do. I consulted my family doctor. I am very lucky to have one of those rare findings in the province, I may as well use them to their full potential. My doctor assured me that anxious thoughts were common in the postpartum period, that is until I described just what those thoughts were. And I was sugar coating it. There was a light at the end of the sleepless tunnel after all. All I had to do was ask.

The importance of reaching out:

Postpartum anxiety can feel isolating and overwhelming, but it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Talking to a professional, a loved one, or a support group can help you feel understood and validated. Sometimes, just knowing that others understand what you’re going through can be a huge relief. To quote from my favourite movie “If we’re all alone, than we’re all together in that too.” Health professionals can offer therapy, counseling, or medication options tailored to your needs. Early intervention can help you learn coping strategies and ways to manage anxiety. Don’t let it get to the point that your fears are affecting your daily life. Remember, struggling with postpartum anxiety does not make you a bad parent. Seeking help shows that you’re prioritizing self-care, which is essential for being a resilient and present parent. You are worth it, and taking care of your own mental health makes it easier to care for your baby and nurture your family.

Reality

If you are silently struggling with postpartum anxiety, know there are resources to help you. If you do not have a family doctor or feel you don’t want to wait for an appointment you can visit nl.bridgethegapp.ca and find the closest Doorways to you. Doorways is a drop-in counselling service that is available in Newfoundland without a referral, and it’s covered under MCP. If you are in a mental health emergency, you can also call 811 to speak to a professional who can help guide you in the right direction.

“Here I rock you in the chair,

Humming melodies, and prayers.

Hoping sleep is finally near,

While I quiver with my fear.

Never closer to someone else,

Never further from myself.”

-HF